But it wasn't for me. It wasn't doing what it was meant to do. I "should" be happier with this right now and I wasn't. I felt disconnected from myself, and in truth so, SO alone.

 

At the time, I didn't know what to do, and the best I had was to scrap the lot of it, start over and work it all out again, and this time I'd work it out according to what I really wanted. So I moved back home, separated, no longer with my pets, and whilst I still had my job, I realised I had thrown myself so far into that job as a way of keeping busy and distracted, and I wasn't actually addressing how I was feeling inside.

 

Back then, I had little awareness of it. I can say all this now but had no which way to explain it back then. It's taken a lot of work - counselling, meditation, self-help books, personal development podcasts, the lot... I spent hours of time consuming content, I got up at 5am to make the most of the quiet hours and went to bed early. I truly immersed myself in personal development, in getting to know me, improving myself and working out who I really was and what I really wanted. 

 

In becoming single again, I rebuilt my life but also experienced the pressures that come with being single in your late twenties, approaching early thirties. No sooner was I separated from my ex (not even divorced) and people were cheering me on to jump onto a dating app to find a man, and be happy and "on track" again. Despite the noise, I defied their suggestions, and exited dating so that I could focus on myself. I worked on my inner feelings of loneliness and put together a life that fulfilled me without the need to be with a man. 

And once I'd done that, it then felt right to look for a relationship to take my personal growth to the next level. I wasn't chasing after a relationship to feel good about myself, I was actively looking for a relationship to find someone to grow and create a life with. In the process of learning about myself, I also learnt that the